Dear Coleen,
I probably feel the lowest I ever felt have in my life. My husband lost his job recently, which means we’re facing a very uncertain New Year with two children and a big mortgage.
I only work part-time as our kids are still young, and my earnings aren’t enough to cover all our expenses.
I just want to shut myself away at the moment and regroup, whereas my husband’s way of dealing with it is to carry on as if nothing has happened.
He seems determined to see our friends over Christmas and go to parties, and I just can’t face it.
We haven’t told anyone that he’s lost his job yet (with the exception of our parents) and I don’t want people to know for the time being, which is causing a lot of tension between us.
We have a really lovely home and a nice lifestyle that we’ve worked hard for and I can’t bear the thought of losing everything we’ve built up.
The problem is, we’re not really talking about it and we’re just coping alone in very different ways.
Coleen says
I think the worst thing you can do is not talk about it and shove it under the carpet because it’s not going to just go away.
It must be very hard for your husband and he’s clearly trying to put a brave face on things and be positive, and I think it’s good that he still wants to be with people instead of retreating into himself.
Sadly, you’re not alone in this – it happens to a lot of people, especially in the current economic climate.
I’m wondering why you don’t want people to know? To me, it feels as if you’re embarrassed and worried about being judged by your friends, and you shouldn’t feel like that.
You don’t have to impress real friends – they go through it with you and they will be supportive.
So talk to your husband and make some interim plans for the immediate future. Yes, it’s a very stressful situation, but it doesn’t mean your husband won’t get another job in the New Year.
Deal with it together instead of retreating to your separate corners and, if you’re finding it difficult to do that, then perhaps consider therapy.
This can be expensive, but some institutions offer low-cost sessions where you only pay what you
can afford, so it might be worth looking into (check out tavistockrelationships.org).
And try to think about how your husband feels and find some empathy – he will know this has completely rocked your world and I’m sure he feels guilty, so cut him some slack. I wish you both all the best for 2019.